How To Be A Villain by Neil Zawacki

For all you wanna be Evil-Doers out there, this book is a must read. Neil Zawacki ‘s How To Be A Villain helps you discover and develop your inner talent of being malicious, power-hungry, and/or insane. His book starts off with a simple test to answer what those voices inside your head have been asking, “Am I Evil?” including questions such as:

How do you start your morning?
A. Rise at six, shower while humming chipper tune
B. Perform vigorous knee bends and enjoy bracing five-mile jog
C. Hit the snooze alarm until hopelessly late for work
D. Sip a cup of coffee, read the newspaper, plot the downfall of civilization

What did you want to be when you grew up?
A. Police Officer
B. Doctor
C. Ballerina
D. Supreme dark overlord of all mankind, or a lawyer

Once you have determined if you possess the qualities to be a villain, you are ready to begin your journey down the destructive path of darkness with Zawacki’s book to help guide you along the way. He covers how to determine your underlying evil motives (greed, revenge, insanity or evil by nature), the importance of evil branding (evil name, slogan, jingle, logo, etc.), developing your evil laugh, choosing your sinister lair, deciding on your method of mayhem, how to select your henchmen, thwarting the forces of good, and the right fashion for your particular bedlam. But it does not end there my disturbing friends, also included is The Evil Plan Generator. This simple fill-in the blank form will assist you in constructing your own diabolical plan to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world.

Once you have successfully become a Villain, I highly recommend Zawacki’s second book, The Villain’s Guide to Better Living, for better evil home design, evil health, evil work, evil social life, and evil travel.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

The Last Hero: A Discworld Fable by Terry Pratchett, illustrated by Paul Kidby

In my usual unintentional fashion of doing stuff, this is the first Terry Pratchett Discworld book I have read, which would be the last one in the series. But even not having an earlier introduction to the characters, I enjoyed it immensely.

Cohen the Barbarian gathers his "mature" friends to embark on one final quest. They are going to climb the highest mountain of Discworld and return to the gods what the first hero stole. Only problem is that will mean the end of the world. Thus Lord Vetinari of Ankh-Morpork, a band of wizards, a soldier, an inventor/painter and an orangutan librarian must come up with a plan to stop Cohen before it is too late.

There were several LOL’s when I was reading this book, very tongue and cheek. Coming from the corporate world I loved the definition of workshop - "the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance." I also loved the Chair of Indefinite Studies Wizard, who once determined there was a definite problem dismissed himself because that was not his field.

Fun illustrations through out the book, including detail diagrams of the swamp dragons, which proved very interesting.

I will now have to go catch myself up with the first of the Discworld series.

Amphigorey Also

The other evening when deciding what to read next, the Edward Gorey’s Amphigorey Also caught my eye on the end table. I was just going to read a story or two and then start in on my next Sandman graphic novel, Volume 5, A Game of You, but ended up reading the whole book. Edward Gorey never ceases to amaze me with his macabre humorous style. Read about Embley and Yewbert’s adventure in the Epiplectic Bicycle. Brush up on the alphabet in The Utter Zoo, The Glorious Nosebleed and The Eclectic Abecedarium. Learn how the famous mystery writer, Miss D. Awdrey-Gore, of such great titles, The Pincushion Affair, The Toothpaste Murder, and The Dustwrapper Secret, pieced together the perfect tale of mystery. This Amphigorey book also highlights Gorey’s artistic and creative talent with his superbly macabre illustrations. I particularly enjoyed his cycling cards in The Broken Spoke and his urns in the Les Urnes Utiles.

I will definitely need to be adding some more Gorey to my library collection and on the look out for, The Dwindling Party and Dracula: a Toy Theatre.

Bunnicula by Deborah and James Howe

Let me just say up front I cannot give an objective review on this book. As you may have gathered from Trixi Thursdays, I am a cat person.

Bunnicula is a story about a family with two boys, Pete and Toby, a dog named Harold and a cat named Chester. Life is good at the Monroe household until one stormy night a stray rabbit is found and becomes the new family pet. This tale is told from the dog’s point of view. Right there I think you see my problem, what cat is going to let a dog tell their story? Of course Chester sees right away that this fluffy little being is no more than a vegetable sucker of the night. However, in his efforts to save his family from this bunny terror, he ends up suffering the brunt of several miscalculated hare ridding plans. I think us cat people know, fangs or no fangs, who would really win a feline vs. bunny battle, or just be disgusted and ignore the whole situation; really the family is on their own.

Other than that small issue, it is a quick read and a cute story, though more in a Tom & Jerry sort of way than a frightening one. Actually, it wasn’t scary at all, which since I tend to go to the dark side rather quickly, I was also little disappointed in that fact. However if you are a dog or bunny person, and looking more for amusement than the scare factor, you should enjoy this book.

The Other Statue by Edward Gorey

This book, The Other Statue by Edward Gorey, is worth reading for the characters' names alone, Miss Underfold, Earl of Thump, Marquess of Wherewithal, his aunt, Lady Isobel Stringless, Dr. Maximilian Belgravius and his nephew, Luke Touchpaper, Fenks the butler, Rev. O. MacAbloo, Miss Quartermourning and other delightful nomenclature. Was the statue that crushed Lord Wherewithal blown from the parapet or pushed? And who took his beloved Lisping Elbow made of wax?

Amphigory by Edward Gorey

Saturday to take my mind off the dismal performance of the Denver Nuggets, I curled up on the couch with my calico and read Amphigory by Edward Gorey, as one does after watching the NBA playoffs. In reading the 15 tales in Amphigory, I thought they were quite poetic, in a Monty Python sort of way.

I struggle to describe Edwards Gorey’s stories and basically can only sum it up with two phrases, ”hmmm, wonder where this is going,” and ”I did not see that coming.”

Some call his ironic and offbeat humorous stories literary nonsense, but I just call it pure genius. A is for apple and B is for Bear, oh, I don’t think so as you will find in The Gashlycrumb Tinies, "A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Bail assaulted by bears.” His illustrations add so much depth to the stories, or should I say darkness in that charming and witty macabre way.

As I writer, I particularly loved this passage in The Unstrung Harp:

“Mr. Earbrass has been rashly skimming through the early chapters, which he has not looked at for months, and now sees TUH (The Unstrung Harp) for what it is. Dreadful, dreadful, DREADFUL. He must be mad to go on enduring the unexquisite agony of writing when it all turns out drivel. Mad. Why didn’t he become a spy? How does one become one? He will burn the MS. Why is there no fire? Why aren’t there the makings for one? How did he get in the unused room on the third floor?"

If you are a fan of British humor than I believe you will quite enjoy the works of Edward Gorey, despite the fact he was born in Chicago and never visited Britain. Other stories in Amphigory include: The Listing Attic, The Doubtful Guest, The Object-Lesson, The Bug Book, The Fatal Lozenge, The Hapless Child, The Curious Sofa, The Willowdale Handcar, The Insect God, The West Wind, The Wuggly Ump, The Sinking Spell, The Remembered Visit.

In honor of the last week of National Poetry Month, I will leave you with this verse from The Listing Attic:

A dreary young bank clerk name Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace;
To make people afraid
He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.

Edward Gorey Amphigories

Tattered Cover Book Store was having a special event. I cannot for the life of me remember what the name of the event was, just that I got a 15% discount on one item and a long stem rose with my purchase. I find it best to never question or analyze why my mind works like it does, but strolling through the store it decided I needed to expand my Edward Gorey collection, and really, who can argue with that. I made my way over to the humorous book section and to my surprise I was quite lacking in my Gorey collection as there were several books I did not have including his Amphigorey collections, Amphigorey, Amphigorey Too, and Amphigorey Also. Again, not questioning my reasoning, I chose Amphigorey Too. That night I curled up on the couch with my calico and started reading, The Beastly Baby by Ogdred Weary, The Pious Infant by Mrs. Regera Dowdy, The Evil Garden by Eduard Blutig, The Eleventh Episode by Raddory Gewe, and then my personal favorite, The Inanimate Tragedy by Edward Gorey himself. In reading his stories of pure genius, part of my mind questions if I am even worthy of my keyboard, while the other cries to write. I have now added Amphigorey and Amphigorey Also to my library. While reading The Unstrung Harp in Amphigorey, a couple of characters appeared to me and may have a story to tell. One like Willow May immediately gave me his name, while the other like the ringmaster is being difficult about his. I jotted down a few notes, but they will have to go on the back burner for now, must stay concentrated on Willow May editing and then see if the demonic snowmen are ready for me yet.